We adopted Bubbles in July. The sanctuary estimated she was born on Valentine’s Day, which was fitting given she exudes love from every inch of her. This would make her just over five months old then. Just over 10 months now.
Turns out, her name was fitting too. She was effervescence embodied from the moment we met her. Effusive energy, bouncing and bubbling over.
Bubbles has all sorts of proclivities. She’s the Houdini of crates, often executing a great escape just to prove she can. Or to find her people. She’s loved (and chewed) many a dog bed and has now decided she prefers our couch. Most endearing, perhaps, she always looks around to make sure her family is near (and diligently herds us if we are not).
We’ve also recently started to notice that she loves to chase shadows. More than loves. She’s obsessed.
With her puppy innocence and boundless curiosity, it’s very cute to see. Like the first time she chased a butterfly. Only with everything from refractions off watch faces to the shadow cast by her wagging tail. Along with the many strangers that fondly notice and coo as she walks by, we found it charming…at first.
But, we’re coming to realize it is actually a compulsion that is cause for concern. Because, when there’s a shadow to chase, she can’t focus on anything else. Other dogs she’d normally love to play with. Food she’d ordinarily delight in eating. Cuddles from her humans she usually relishes. If a shadow is near, her focus goes entirely there. Transported and transfixed.
Moreover, whereas chasing our cat usually leads to a gratifying frolic, chasing shadows goes perplexingly nowhere. She will never have the satisfaction of closure. Just the chase of this ephemeral thing that is always out of reach. Pouncing and scratching futilely at the floor. (I think the fact that she’s a very intelligent creature makes this all the worse. You can see the wheels turning. The unending analysis. Ceaseless calculation. All to no end…)
Worse yet, the obsession seems to be growing progressively worse. It’s like the more she chases, the more the frustration and dismay compound. Exponentially. Her trainer said if it keeps going like this, she might need anti-depressants (!?!?). And, while that seems outrageous to me on the one hand, watching her watch shadows all day, I can see she seems sad. Head between paws. Staring off in the distance. Overcome by a baffling ennui. Not her usual bubbly self. She’s even taken to sticking her head under the couch, I think because the darkness hides the shadows.
Watching her with a heavy heart, I can’t help but reflect that it’s not just Bubbles. We can get caught up chasing shadows too. And, it does make us sad. In fact, when we look back at our darkest hours, that’s almost always a part of it. Chasing shadows. Haunted by spectres. Chasing, chasing while unwittingly wandering further into darkness.
Witnessing her in this turmoil, I see how tragic that is. We’re listening to holiday music, baking cookies and dancing around as a family and she is laying at the periphery. Looking blue. Forlorn. And the empathy is a knife that strikes my heart. Because I’ve been there. So many times. I suspect we all have. Should be happy. Should feel good. But don’t. On the other side of the looking glass and unsure how to bridge the divide.
It’s interesting timing, too. For this affliction to have emerged. The holiday season is a time of so much brightness and sparkle, yet it is also the darkest time of the year. So often, we are holding both. Darkness and light. Sparkle and shadow.
When I look in her eyes, I see a soul distressed. I long to make it better. To take away this all too familiar impulse. But, I feel powerless. The best I can do is be by her side, holding her. Petting her. Loving her. Letting her know I care and that she is not alone.
As we approach the darkest day of the year and the return to ever more light, may we all shine brightness in the shadows. Comfort one another. See the souls behind the relentless chase. Embrace them. Invite them in from the dark.