Some Days, It Feels Impossible

Some days, it feels impossible.  Like there is no right answer.  No good answer.  No path.  We look down the tunnel but cannot see the light.

In these moments, we have to trust that following the thread, however thin and delicate, will lead to the highest good.  Trust the journey, if you will.

When I was trying (and struggling) to get pregnant, and also to prove myself and someday make partner, the convergence of fertility treatments, hormones and failures, and late nights negotiating merger agreements, stress and scrutiny was too much. 

It started to become clear to me (through just hints and glimmers at first) that if I didn’t do something different, this was never going to happen for me.  At the same time, I held (tightly) a certainty that I could not let myself do anything different.  I had to hold it all tightly and keep striving.  Relentlessly, striving.

It finally came to a breaking point.  It got to the place where I couldn’t see anything except the next right thing.  The next step on the foggy path.  And, so, I did that.  

I’m not sure if it’s true that I trusted it would all work out.  I guess I had to on some level.  But, I can’t say I had a great deal of confidence in that trust (if it was there at all).  Yet, I did it.  I moved forward anyway.

And, the most remarkable thing happened.  Things unfolded in a way I could never have even dared to think to dream they would.  In that moment, though – in the uncertainty – I was in one of my darkest times.

I have had a lot of dark times.  Before then and since.  Some of it, I think, is the way I am wired.  Other parts of it, I think, are a result of my commitment to pushing myself into the hard.  Daring and chasing dreams.  Being brave.  Going for it even though sometimes that feels like falling on my face.  (Or just narrowly avoiding falling on my face.)  The path of least resistance is not one I tread.  And that is intentional.

I was interviewing someone the other day and they said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you’re going to get punched in the face.  You just are.  And it’s about being prepared and knowing how to respond.”  I might not have said it exactly like that but it’s so true!  (As well as a corresponding Mike Tyson quote my husband just connected this to when I read this to him – “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”)

For me, that is often doing the next right thing and trusting that, wherever this unexpected path is leading, it is for the highest good and the mystery of what that means will unfold in its own sacred time.

I also like to remember that “The most important thing is remembering the most important thing.”  (Thank you, Suzuki Roshi.)  And then, looking at the situation through the lens of what is most important here.  Some days, that’s through my values.  Some days, through the responsibility of whatever role I’m playing in the situation.  Some days, that’s through a commitment to the highest good.

Through it all, what I’ve come to is that nothing is impossible.  Even when it feels that way.  No matter how long the darkest night, the sun will rise again.  We will find our way.  The path will emerge in the glow.  Trust…

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